Never claimed to be well adjusted

I am sitting here in the waiting room for my radiation treatment. The treatment itself is painless. But the result...My skin is burnt & it hurts & this is only the start of my 4th week. I keep hearing my mom in my head as she quoted a nice young therapist from Florida hospital who called her on the phone when she couldn't track mom down any other way. :-) "radiation sucks," she said. "It sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks." (at this point mom took the receiver away from her head and ogled it in wonder)

But the woman was right. Kind of.

To be perfectly honest, this is not an easy time for me & radiation is only part of the puzzle.

I've hesitated to write this in my blog because it is personal and it makes me feel vulnerable, but it's part of it. This is so hard. It is. I'm sure I should be feeling ok by now. Settling into my own skin. And I try. And many times, when I am sitting, talking with someone or doing something, I forget. Then I stand up & can't walk because my feet hurt & I shuffle along, feet & hips like a 90 year old & you can bet I remember. Last night I woke to the sound of my cat yowling outside. She's a true "scaredy cat," and I didn't want her to get into it with whatever critter was threatening her, so I bounded out of bed & shuffled as fast as I could to the stairs then worked my way down the stairs, holding the rail so I wouldn't tumble to the landing. And I remembered.

The chemo was ok. The radiation is ok. The after effects are another story. With chemo, it's this neuropathy. I just can't believe this is my body! Who knows what the radiation will leave me with.

I already know what the surgery left me with.

The surgery & the changes to my body & my physical weakness & frailty--these things make me sad. I wish I was better adjusted. I do. I wish I could get used to looking at myself in the mirror. I wish I didn't mind the flab. I wish I could deal with this neuropathy without complaining. I wish I could just bloom where I'm planted. But so far, I can't. As days go by, you'd think I'd improve. But I'm not really. I'm not my normal self. I don't feel normal. I feel really really upset. Every day.

I think when the radiation is through & I start to heal , & my hair is back, & if I lose the gut and the new cellulite, & if my hands & feet stop hurting & I quit dropping everything I will start to feel better. But right now, I feel like doodoo.

I'm sure other people go through this & come out fine. My mom did for instance. Surgery didn't seem to effect her at all--She just took it in stride.

I'll get there. There is no other alternative. But for now, this is how I feel, & even as I write this, I know most reading will not really understand. Not really. And truthfully, I hope you never have to.