Tis the Season

Mostly I just live life one day at a time. I think this is best. I wake up each day refreshed and ready for the day. With enough--like God's Manna. But if you recall, Manna wasn't to be held in reserve for later days. And so is my get-up-and-go reserved for the day. Sometimes I take a peek around the corner and start imagining what's next and I get totally overwhelmed. Ten more weeks of chemo. Pet scan--i.e. Will the chemo have worked? Will I go on to the next step? I don't want to think about this stuff not working. And if it is working, there'll be surgery. Recovery from surgery. Radiation.

Whoa. Take a breath. Today is a good day. I have enough for today. More than enough.

Except...like the I Love Lucy episode where Lucy and Ethel are working the assembly line at the chocolate factory, life is speeding up on me. Of course it is--It's the holiday season. Everyone feels the pinch as they shuffle their hours to make time for shopping and cards and decorating and parties. I am trying, but I just can't seem to keep up. You know the dream where it's Christmas eve and you haven't finished Christmas shopping? This might be the year for me it actually comes true.

Every day my list of want-to-do's gets longer as the-day-before's undones pile up. Lately it seems I can either accomplish a few things or visit/call my friends and family and check my email. But I can't seem to do both. In truth, I can't even tackle one or the other a hundred percent.

What weighs on me are the people I feel slipping through the cracks of my day. I so want every special person in my life to know how much they mean to me. To know how much I think of this one's phone message, that one's home cooked meal, another's heart felt card, and emails and facebook wall posts. So I plan to catch up tomorrow and I get up and make a little headway on the housework and the holidays and the people I love and then the day is gone and I haven't gotten anywhere. I'm heading the wrong way on the airport people mover. I'm riding the down escalator up. I got on the elevator when the doors opened on a 30 story building and figured out after the doors closed I'm heading in the wrong direction.

I am falling short and I'm not even working. How is this possible? I actually feel very stressed and anxious over this while simultaneously rolling my eyes at myself. Hello? How can you allow yourself to feel overwhelmed when countless others undergoing cancer treatment have to manage all this while working, while caring for kids, while....the list goes on.

Please forgive me for my dour outlook. Tomorrow I will shake it off. Tonight I vow to go to bed early. I will wake up with more energy. My dogs will not miss their walk tomorrow. Tomorrow I will finally catch up.