From the Hubby's Chair

Fuzzy hair!  Kimberly has the cutest, curly hair.  We are told it sometimes occurs after treatment, as the hair grows back.  Very cute.  We laugh about it all the time, since her hair was so straight before.

Apologies for my absence.  I started this thing and then somewhere fell off the wagon.  Busy with stuff, as you might imagine.  I've kind-of had my head down working away.

Kimberly looks great and she is still fighting hard.  As she has posted, she is now a survivor.  There are still many doctors appointments and a lot of side effects that are ongoing.  She has quite a battle going with the neuropathy, which causes her hands and feet to swell and get sore everytime she stops moving.  She takes meds for this, but it's unpleasant and a reminder of what she has been through.  We are told that this should fully pass.  Vision is another issue and we are unsure what will happen with that.  And there is fatigue, the best treatment is a nap when time permits!

Kimberly deals with these things positively and actively.  She exercises, takes her meds and eats lots of the right things.  During treatment they tell you not to take any supplements, including no added antioxidants.  I guess the logic is that if you strengthen your cells, the cancer cells are also strengthened.  With that limitation removed, she is making her kale shakes and loading up on the good stuff.  It's not easy, but I admire how she does what she knows is going to make her better long term.  Pizza is good for you, too, right?  Reminds me of my mother, who had several surgeries over the years.  She took care of things when they happened, and she is a spry 78.  Just keep her away from the water. ;)

K has a round of tests that were ordered due to some symptoms.  Should be nothing but it's always nerve racking to go in for scans and needle tests.  The first round of scheduled tests happens in November.  We will be glad to get those behind us with a clean bill of health.

Many of you know the Komen run is coming up on October 16th at UCF.  We will be out with most of you, trying to raise funds for the cure.  Looking forward to it!  Thanks to all of you for supporting Kimberly and I through this ordeal.  We have been blessed in so many ways with so much help from friends and family.

July "cancer free" update

Hello friends and family!

We are three quarters through July and I am still cancer-free. Thought I'd just toss that out straight away!

Summer is flying by, and I think it only just started! We've been busy. It seems everyone has. Doesn't it seem like this is the summer of travel-vacations? Richie and I went to Atlanta for our yearly July 4th Peachtree run, and Bullock family visit. This year was special for so many reasons. I'll list them in order of occurrence.

Stayed at the JW Marriott. Love love love Marriotts!

Had dinner with the Bullocks--usually we don't see them till the fourth because they are at their Lake house while we are in the city.

Had drinks and reunion with Michelle "ma belle" King Slater. Have not seen her in years! That was probably the highlight of the trip.

Ran from a chute!! ie did not jump in, with Freckles and Stick-man and Devil Dog (him for all of thirty seconds!!! He disappeared after we crossed the start line. When questioned as to whether or not he looked for us, he gave us the most innocent look and said, "No." He cannot tell a lie!)

Made it to the Varsity, Lon included!!

then we listened to the ART Of RACING IN THE RAIN on the way home.

Great trip.

OK, so maybe I overdid it a bit, even though I went to bed at reasonable times and took naps (as I do every day now out of necessity) because a few days after I got home i got Bell's Palsy!

What is Bell's Palsey you ask? (And a few of you are saying, isn't that the virus that makes your face look like you had a stroke? Surely not) Surely YES! Remember Tommy Boy, the movie? Where he says, "Does my face look funny? Not so much here or here, but RIGHt HEre." yes. Left side paralysis.

Of course I had the fear hit me--is this cancer again? I went to the neurological office I go to for the neuropathy I'm being treated for. I was told I had a mild case of Bell's palsy, with a slight possibility it may be a symptom of cancer tumors floating along my spinal chord.

Oh, yes. Can you believe it? The thing was, if the face improved, it wasn't cancer. The proverbial take two steroids and call me in the morning. I am happy to report, I am almost 100% healed. Lucky me, I just got a new nerve virus, but not cancer. :-)

As far as the neuropathy, the Dr has found the right mix of drugs to keep me pain free. I keep lowering the doses myself to see how little I can take and have regular use of my hands and feet. I'm trying to keep the meds as few as possible because of their side effects. Swelling and weight gain and increased fatigue, which is already a major complication in my life.

I used to say i was like a little baby, crying whenever I got over tired. Now I am a kindergardener. I nap every day from 11:30ish to 2:30ish. Out. Like. A. Light.

My skin is continuing to heal, my muscles are getting stronger, my hair is growing and it is a curly hot mess! I love it.

I have a PET scan scheduled for November 2nd. That is the big one, to see if all this nonsense has worked.

My MOM. She has started taking her Femora, and as a result is seeing her hair thinning out, but otherwise no bad side effects. She is recuperating from her radiation treatment, and Like me, needs a lot of sleep. She had an MRI last Monday. I will report on her progress when I write again in August with my monthly update. :-)

Happy Summer, guys!

Past Time for an Update

It's been a long while since Richard or I have updated the blog, and I apologize. I kept meaning to do a wrap-up post, and time kept getting away from me. But finally, here it is!

My skin is healing from the radiation burns, and thus far, I have no adverse side effects. My lungs are clear, my heart beat strong. I am back to doing stretches and yoga to rehabilitate my shoulder and arm. I'm getting stronger every day, and I love it. Next week, I'll return to physical therapy where the therapist will work on breaking up scar tissue inside the underside of my arm and help me to recoup my range of motion. She's fabulous.

The last I wrote, I said I would come back with information on the peripheral neuropathy I contracted from the chemotherapy treatments. I saw the neurologist oncologist at MD Anderson, and he gave me a thorough exam for balance, muscle strength, and sensation in my extremities. The bad news is, the nerves will likely continue to worsen. The good news is, meds can blunt the pain. The GREAT news is, the doctor is confident the neuropathy will not be permanent in my case. It will probably take a year or so for the nerves to heal...but they will heal. I am soo happy about this.

The medicine cocktail I'm on currently is working very well, and most of the time things don't ache, burn or hurt. I can especially tell the difference in the mornings when I get out of bed. Whereas I was hobbling to the loo and tripping down the stairs, I can walk again--slowly :-)--and I can go down the stairs holding the rail with only one hand. It's very encouraging. One terrible side effect of the medicine is swelling and weight gain, both of which I'm working hard to control. So far, the side effects are worth the cost. I'll let you know if this changes. :-)

I have several appointments in the coming weeks. June 28th with the neurologist oncologist, June 29th with the radiation oncologist, and July 8th with my oncologist. Since my doctors were very concerned with recurrence, which in my case will be fast and dirty, or (likely) not at all, I imagine this last appointment will herald a scheduled PET. With that in mind, I will probably wait to post again until early July, when I should have some news.

I can't thank my friends and family enough for all of your support, all of your prayers, and for sticking with me and Richard during this trial. God bless you and keep you.

Until July, then. Muah!

Can NOT believe it

I have one day of treatment to go. One more day of checking in, putting on my gown, and waiting to be called. One more day of laying on that table, hands over my head, to be lazered. I am so excited!

It's slightly anti-climactic, since I have to go in Friday to meet with the neurologist...but still. :-)

Many of you have asked about the neuropathy. It is getting worse, but I am remaining hopeful it won't be permanent. I would describe its affects again--but why beat a dead horse? Most of you already know about the sore hands and feet, etc. The reason I'm seeing the neurologist is to get a thorough assessment of the problem, and ask some questions concerning long term prognosis, medication, and alternative therapy (herbs, acupuncture). I will let you know what he says. I'd like to take as little of the Lyrica as possible--the drug I take for the nerve pain. It makes me feel kind of sloooow. (yawn) And my wedding ring is permanently embedded in my finger. (swollen) But it's undeniable that it helps with the pain. I know because I have forgotten to take it. (ouch!)

But back to the way more exciting topic. The end of cancer treatment.

I have weathered the radiation very well. I am burnt, and I sit at home with my shirt unbuttoned like a garage mechanic at five pm. But my lungs don't hurt, and thus far, I don't know of any long term mal-affects.

What will I do with my freed-up time...? Recuperate. Exercise. Visit. Write. Paint. (I am repainting a piece of furniture I've always wanted to paint as soon as my skin can stand the heat.) I will not be bored.

Being finished with treatment...being cancer-free...I can't describe the feeling. I feel happy. Relieved. Almost elated. But there's also this odd sensation. Imagine you just gave a speech. Then you asked your audience, "Any questions?" and no one had any. You're finished with your speech, though. So you just kind of...fade out. "Ok. Well, thanks."

Yes, that's it. A strange odd finish to a huge undertaking. No drum roll. No big goodbyes with your doctors and nurses. Just life as usual. Just walking out of the building, others walking in, like every other day, except today your treatment is done.

It's odd. But it's really, really good.

What a difference a day can make

First of all, thanks to the friends and family that responded to my last blog, giving me "permission" to feel sad, mad, and basically out of kilter. I really needed that. I'd been trying so hard not to break--though I saw myself in such disrepair I belonged in a junk yard.

But after I gave in to the breakdown, after I prayed, and listened to wise counsel, and heard from Him, things changed.

Let me explain. It's about "Truth," and how the way we perceive it affects our attitudes. See, if you change your perspective, just a little bit, your whole outlook can change.

Your truth can be perceived differently and still be true.

I have been physically altered, have neuropathy, have gained weight, am in pain, and am sick of all this nonsense. True.

But...as I look from another perspective....I am not my hair. I am not my boobs. I am not my running. True beauty does not come from thinness. (Though I still prefer it!) I can still walk. I can still love others. I will be done with radiation in a few weeks. I am exactly where I need to be to fulfill the story of my life, and God's perfect will for my life, and I surrender. Also True.

And for the moment anyway, I am at peace.

p.s. For details as to the way He spoke to me, email me privately.

Never claimed to be well adjusted

I am sitting here in the waiting room for my radiation treatment. The treatment itself is painless. But the result...My skin is burnt & it hurts & this is only the start of my 4th week. I keep hearing my mom in my head as she quoted a nice young therapist from Florida hospital who called her on the phone when she couldn't track mom down any other way. :-) "radiation sucks," she said. "It sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks." (at this point mom took the receiver away from her head and ogled it in wonder)

But the woman was right. Kind of.

To be perfectly honest, this is not an easy time for me & radiation is only part of the puzzle.

I've hesitated to write this in my blog because it is personal and it makes me feel vulnerable, but it's part of it. This is so hard. It is. I'm sure I should be feeling ok by now. Settling into my own skin. And I try. And many times, when I am sitting, talking with someone or doing something, I forget. Then I stand up & can't walk because my feet hurt & I shuffle along, feet & hips like a 90 year old & you can bet I remember. Last night I woke to the sound of my cat yowling outside. She's a true "scaredy cat," and I didn't want her to get into it with whatever critter was threatening her, so I bounded out of bed & shuffled as fast as I could to the stairs then worked my way down the stairs, holding the rail so I wouldn't tumble to the landing. And I remembered.

The chemo was ok. The radiation is ok. The after effects are another story. With chemo, it's this neuropathy. I just can't believe this is my body! Who knows what the radiation will leave me with.

I already know what the surgery left me with.

The surgery & the changes to my body & my physical weakness & frailty--these things make me sad. I wish I was better adjusted. I do. I wish I could get used to looking at myself in the mirror. I wish I didn't mind the flab. I wish I could deal with this neuropathy without complaining. I wish I could just bloom where I'm planted. But so far, I can't. As days go by, you'd think I'd improve. But I'm not really. I'm not my normal self. I don't feel normal. I feel really really upset. Every day.

I think when the radiation is through & I start to heal , & my hair is back, & if I lose the gut and the new cellulite, & if my hands & feet stop hurting & I quit dropping everything I will start to feel better. But right now, I feel like doodoo.

I'm sure other people go through this & come out fine. My mom did for instance. Surgery didn't seem to effect her at all--She just took it in stride.

I'll get there. There is no other alternative. But for now, this is how I feel, & even as I write this, I know most reading will not really understand. Not really. And truthfully, I hope you never have to.

wondering what's on the other side

Hi there. I've wanted to post an update, but I've hesitated to do so because I'm not too sure I want to put all that's running through my head down. Let me try to muddle through.

Radiation is going well. My skin is turning pinker as anticipated and predicted. It makes it easier to put the ointment in the right place. :-) I get fatigued, and come home and crash sometimes. I try to do too much and find myself cranky and wondering why I'm cranky, then I realize I am past my limit. I trudge up the stairs, eyeing the growing piles of dog hair with contempt. I remind myself having the hair is worth it--I love my black dog club so much. I just wish they'd keep their hair! I don't want it! I wander around on the look out for cat pee, hoping it isn't there because I am too tired to clean it. (Remember I have the crazy cats that like to pee inside whenever possible making any kind of rug or carpet impossible. I can't stop them and I can't give them away and I can't kill them. Can I? Just kidding. Anyone want a cat?)

I am sad my mom had such a bad reaction to her radiation. She had to be admitted to the hospital to get all her systems working together for her good. Oddly, I did enjoy the time spent with her and my sisters in the hospital. As my mother-in-law says, It's a foul wind that doesn't blow someone some good.

Speaking of which, the lady who checked me in for my surgery who had lovely nails and who gave chemo the credit for said nails, evidently wasn't joshing. I have pretty nails for the first time in my life not counting acrylics. I keep waiting for them to go back to the way they used to be, but they just keep growing. :-)

I am stretching out my arms and shoulders daily and gaining range of motion and strength. My physical therapist says I can cut down to one day a week with her 'cuz I am doing "amazing." I am so happy and proud. Can't you just see my silly little grin? I love to be told I am doing a good job. :-) Especially as I am obsessive about my exercise and following directions to a tee.

As the fears of lymph-edema fade for now, the increasing severity of my chemo induced neuropathy sucks the joy from my victory. My feet hurt, like someone beat the soles, and it is terrible to step on the floor in the morning when I wake. I am like a freakin invalid walking down the stairs to make the coffee. Morning is the worst time. It does get better as the day goes on. My hands hurt. Like I've been gripping something really tightly for hours the day before and now I'm sore. I drop things. Light things--not heavy thank goodness. Plastic cups just slip away from my fingers like Styrofoam coffee cups with static. My toothbrush ejects from my fingers as I brush my teeth. Richard just looks at me, as I look at him, and bend over to retrieve it.

When I get up from a seated position, and my feet hurt, I think how the hell am I going to work? How will I walk in my princess pumps at work? How will I stand working twelve hour days--even in my ugly in-flight shoes? (non flight attendants, in-flight shoes are the ugly black flats we stews change into during the flight when no one's looking)

I wonder anxiously if I can work while taking the medicine I take for the neuropathy? Without it, I can't function. But I suspect it's on the no-go list. I tell myself not to worry; the neuropathy will fade. God, I hope it does. I pray it does. I really do.

Speaking of the medicine, guess what? My favorite topic. Weight gain. Yup, it makes you fat.

This just keeps getting better.

Or maybe everything is exactly the same, and isn't that just ridiculous? I'm fighting for my life, and I'm still worried about getting fat, being able to use my body as I see fit, and getting published. Speaking of which, I got another agent rejection in my electronic mailbox. She'd requested two "fulls" (publishing speak, that means I gave her the premises and she asked to see two of my books in their entirety. Asking for a full means the agent/editor means business.) Alas, she passed on signing me.

I wish I could say I am taking all of this in stride, with a smile on my face. But I'm not. Thank God, He makes every day new. For Richard's sake, if not my own, I will practice smiling today and see if tomorrow a great big toothy smile sticks.

Even thinking of smiling like that makes me smile. Isn't that weird? Tata, friends.